The Scorekeeper
I don’t feel well.
It could be thyroid, adrenals, chronic fatigue, lack of carbs, the three vinyasa yoga classes I took this week, or the fact that I am an empathic sponge and seem to tune in to everyone and everything except myself. Last night I slept 10 hours and still woke up with a sore throat and feeling like I had a WWF Wrestler crouching on my chest. The brain fog this week has been so thick. If you asked me what I did, beyond making these collagen gummies and taking the dogs for walks, I could not tell you.
Google gives options, but not definitive answers.
I am not a medical intuitive, but I wish I was. A friend recommended this book called, “The AutoImmune Cure” and what I am coming to believe is happening is that my nomad-ish life has been semi-stressful the past few years and now that I have a home (as I write this on the patio, Hank ‘the outside dog’ is living his best life laying on his back in the sun with all paws in the air), my body is like,
“Cool, cool. Now allow us to show you how tired we actually are.”
I have spent decades overriding my body, but the thing about chronic fatigue is that it gets to a point that you can not override it. For instance, I laid in bed last night needing to get up and let the dogs out once last time and turn out the lights. It took me 20 minutes to will my body to move. I am only 40. This is so concerning. But it also makes sense.
I’ve been feeling bummed about my lack of cognitive abilities. I used to have a sense of humor and words use to stream through me throughout the day at a rate I couldn’t keep up with. It’s all static lately. Also, sorry if this is a downer of a post (shit, I am not supposed to apologize for stuff like this…so, thank you I guess for reading). I think my biggest fear is that I won’t get well. Trying to figure it all out with google and Facebook Autoimmune groups is exhausting and overwhelming. Many people go to functional medicine doctors which I hear help tremendously but I’m not in a place financially to throw down that money, so me and my endocrine system are piecing it together and I guess I just needed to get on here to share that I am tired and concerned.
I know that our bodies know how to heal themselves. I know that trauma is often to blame. I know that mindset is everything. I know that supplements, meditation, diet, gratitude, good people, nature, prayer, and laughter are all remedies. I know that talking about it helps. In fact, good news is I’m crying while I write this and it’s been WEEKS or maybe a month or two since I’ve cried (what up repression?). I have a friend who had chrohn’s, diabetes, and breast cancer and is now healthy and thriving. She told me to never give up.
Remember my kinky pinky from last October? Remember the osteopath in Spain who I saw at 11pm in an office building in some town I can’t remember the name of because brain fog…do you remember what he said to me?
“You can change your life.”
He said it over and over and over again. I thought I would have a permanently bent pinky that would function fine but be a cosmetic eyesore, but wouldn’t you know that it is almost completely healed and straight again.
Our bodies are smart. Perhaps mine is giving me a wake up call that down the road I will have so much gratitude for. But just for today, I am going to do what I can which today looked like laying in the sun at the YMCA pool just down the road, grateful I could float on my back and let the love of Mother Nature soothe me.